Ok, so it’s a weird title, but I’m serious. I’m going to use some naughty words here so let’s try to be mature.

I was watching season 7 of How I Met Your Mother and there was this scene where Barney talks about his penis. He says something like “She’s magnificent”, to which Robin asks “She?”. Then Barney says “Of course it’s a girl. Every dude knows his penis is a girl. It’s like a ship.”

This actually got me thinking though. I’ve never thought of my penis as either a girl or boy; it’s just a part of my body.

However, I can see the emotional need for a man to consider his penis to be female. That would make masturbation/self-love less homosexual. I suppose it could even make regular sex more kinky because it would be like girl on girl (humour me, this idea is shaky at best).

So guys (and girls?), tell me. Is your penis male or female? If you have anything interesting to add, feel free to do so. Since I can’t make polls here, it’s just going to have to be in the comments below.

In the interest of making this a slightly more meaningful, I’m going to mention something a friend of mine brought to my attention. It’s called the Kinsey Scale (also known as the Homosexual-Heterosexual Rating Scale).

Rather than use my own words, I’m going to be lazy and quote Kinsey himself:

Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories… The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.

While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history […] An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life. […] A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.

—Kinsey, et al. (1948). pp. 639, 656)

If you were to lazy to read that, basically it means almost nobody is fully straight or gay; people tend more strongly towards one sexual orientation than the other but they do not fully belong to that sexual orientation.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no actual test for this so don’t go trying to figure out whether you’re straight or gay online. The Kinsey Scale is just a seven level scale that basically tells you it’s not as simple as it being black and white – there’s another five shades to think about.